Recipe for an evening alone

If, like me, you find you’ve fallen from the precipice of a ‘relationship’ into the ‘pit of singledom’ (you may have gaily tossed yourself off for all I know) – whether it be attributable to apathy, lethargy, lucidity, stupidity, misunderstanding, mistreatment, misconception, lack of perception, lack of attention, lack of prevention, being short on dimensions, a pissed deception, great(er) expectations, loss of sensation, disaffiliation, the need to dream, the need not to dream, body getting older, head getting balder, mind getting bolder, a difference of opinion on Noddy Holder, her need for a man to hold on, yours for Amanda Holden, WHATEVER – you may sometimes find yourself at a loose end during the evening.

Well, here’s what I suggest:

  • Give up alcohol for a day or two prior to this loose-ended evening
  • Try to spend most of your day at work talking with a friend or friends that you give a shit about (or secretly fancy)
  • Organise a three mile run with a friend of comparable fitness around 6:00pm
  • Return home, drink around two pints of weak Ribena
  • Eat two small yet perfectly deformed jacket potatoes with cheese, beans and a little leftover coleslaw
  • Run a very hot bath
  • Arrange and light two large red candles (not those shit-ass tea lights like Ikea sells) at the tap end
  • Rig up some makeshift speakers such that you can hear your ipod or ‘other tv listings magazines are available’ mp3 player
  • Set a-playing Mozart’s Clarinet Concerto (it has to be this music – forget what you think you know about what you like to listen to)
  • Flip the bloody light off (don’t run any extractor fans or fan heaters)
  • Get in the bath, realise you’ve overfilled it again, sort that out and then wash your hair

You’ve done all the prep at this stage, so now commence with the relaxing already! As you relax, some other things will begin to occur, and though you must let them, the act of letting is about as much effort as you should be putting in at this stage:

  • Gaze into the flames of whichever candle is burning the tallest and brightest
  • Wait… gaze some more
  • Feel a few small drops of water run down your forehead from your recently washed hair
  • Become aware of the feeling of those drops meeting the beads of sweat that have formed on your forehead since your submersion in very hot water
  • Feel these allies run further down your forehead and temples…
  • As they move downwards, imagine them picking up small pieces of dust and dirt that sit on every inch of your skin
  • Allow them to combine with the small tears that should by now be sitting at the outer edge of each of your eyes
  • Remember, these are the same eyes, the only eyes, that have seen everything that you have from your point of view
  • Remember also that they have never seen anything from anyone else’s
  • Taste the cocktail droplets as they run over your lips – savour that blend of purity, effort, filth and pain
  • Close your eyes for some time
  • When the music ends – leap up and turn the thing off before some other crap on your player starts up
  • Get out, dry yourself, get some pyjamas on – no one wants to see that flopping about through open-curtained windows

The final stage is quite simple – but it’s as essential as the first two:

  • Telephone someone you respect, maybe even love or at least might have loved if things had been different – failing that, someone you don’t hate
  • Briefly tell them how you’ve been doing in your piffling excuse for a life (they’re bound to ask)
  • Listen to them talk about their (only marginally less piffling) life – but really listen – forget yourself for one bloody minute of one bloody day
  • Arrange to see them some time way off in the future – but stick to the arrangement
  • Blog some sanctimonious bullshit and get yourself to bed, you asshole!

Ciao, my friends.


Filed under Life

3 responses to “Recipe for an evening alone

  1. the one u don't quite hate

    Are u suggesting my life is ‘Pliff’? how very dare you! My life is interesting & meaningfull. Seriously they have written books & films it is so gleeful. Bridget Jones has nothing on me! The only thing missing is my token gay friend. And anyway I have a not so secret admirer and a datr this side of Christmas. Hmm a moving & touching blog that I have managed to hijack and make all about me 😉 ?x

  2. Reblogged this on The 'almost not worth having' blog and commented:

    An old post of mine, but one I sometimes go back to. It’s still useful to me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s