We all know One Direction, the wooly-headed over-sexed teen sensation that has overtaken the charts throughout 2013, and we all know their ‘music’. The potent mix of catchy pop tunes and talented auto-tuning assistants has ensured a place in every preteen playlist. Today we can reveal that there’s a darker side to their apparently harmless brand of nausea-inducing audible pap – the hidden meaning in the lyrics of their hit single ‘What makes you Beautiful’ has left thousands of young girls looking like the Princess from Shrek – and we don’t mean the bit at the beginning when she was hot.
A scientific analysis of the song has revealed the surprising truth. Here we break it down, line by line so you can see for yourself. We suggest ‘attractive yet uncertain of their own value as a human being’ people read no further for fear of coming under the spell of the 1D voodoo.
You’re insecure (they’re young girls, so this line is superfluous, though does its best to set a scene)
Don’t know what for (1D obviously don’t know anything about girls)
You’re turning heads when you walk through the door (this is standard practice as someone enters a room. Onlookers ‘turn’ their heads enabling each and every one to make an instant judgement based on the newcomer’s appearance)
Don’t need makeup to cover up (whereas most girls should be made to cover their disgusting swedes with grease paint to minimise the offence their hideous visage may cause)
Being the way you are is enough (thanks for your validation, lads)
Everyone else in the room can see it (so everyone at the party is sighted. Whilst not very inclusive we doubt 1D have an agenda here)
Everyone else but you (note that maybe because of body dysmorphic disorder)
It all seems quite innocent so far but the payload isn’t delivered till the end of the chorus…
You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful
And there it is, in an Adamsian ‘puff of logic’ thousands of beautiful girls, whilst finally realising and accepting their own beauty thanks to the flowing prose of whoever writes for 1D, simultaneously lose it.
One mother we talked to spoke of her daughter’s reaction: ‘Chloe was always a looker, you know, good pair of lungs on her and legs that go all the way up, but she thought she was an ugly lump due to self-esteem issues and poor lighting in her bedroom. After getting into One Direction she lost the only thing she had – her looks. I hate Harry the most, he’s so annoying but I can’t forgive those lads for what they’ve done to my daughter, now there’s no way anyone is going to take her off my hands unless they’re blind or perverted’.
It’s not just standard human’s that are affected, well known talking breasts-on-legs Jessica Simpson claims she’d been a fan after meeting the boys at a cousin’s 12th Birthday party in Swindon back in February but is now judged to be a ‘bit of a munter’ by fellow American Barack Obama. Doctors believe this is direct result of listening too intently to the profound lyrics of 1D.
Please reassure your friends and family that not knowing they’re beautiful is not what makes them beautiful but rather that it is their outward appearance, specifically the level of conformity to modern, accepted standards of beauty that makes them beautiful. Some will try to talk of inner beauty but you only have to google for images of invasive medical procedures to know that even the prettiest girls do not look nice on the inside. It’s not known yet if this could affect boys, but parents of so called ‘gays’ and those prone to ‘experimentation with friends’ have been warned to restrict their children’s listening time to forty seconds a day or less.